World Domination Journal Foreward

This last week has changed my entire outlook towards the world. There is something I must tell everyone- and maybe I should start at the beginning of this epic legendary saga. Last week I received a letter from the future- that is, thefuture Eric Weirup.  Enclosed were a number of diary entries detailing my takeover of the world in 2016. Upon reading these entries in my diary- err.. guys don’t have diaries… so secret evil handbook it is… I was shocked and horrified to find the kind of diabolical person I am to become.  All said, I will apparently become supreme overlord of earth and destroy most of civilization in 42 days. And it looks like I only had to work 11 of those, so world domination was part-time, meaning even I didn’t get medical benefits. But luckily, we have thefuture Eric Weirup to thank. He traveled in time from the ruins of this post-apocalyptic society to prevent my development into an evil overlord. Of course, I am not evil now, so we both immediately agreed that we must put a stop to this ever happening. So, to prepare the world for stopping me, I will reveal the entries in my dia…. secret evil handbook… that explain the plan in detail so that this great evil can be prevented before I attempt it in 2016.

The sheer horror involved in these entries is overwhelming, so I will post one each day so that we are informed, but not so terrified we can’t think straight. Remember, whatever I have on my profile next is for the sake of future generations, and I’m sorry it had to come to this. Well, sort of.

World Domination Journal Forward Part 2

In 2016, something changed inside of me. I don’t know the cause- it was never mentioned in the writings thefuture Eric Weirup gave me. But one thing is for sure- in February of ‘16, I began my bid for diabolically uncontested power through a 10-phase scheme called Operation Roger Goodell. Over the course of 6 weeks, nations had attacked themselves, North Korea would have an idea everyone listened to, and all businesses in the world would be destroyed except for a single Borders. The world as we knew it was no more, and all people alike lived in fear. Needless to say, this plan of mine could not be stopped, unless someone would have seen it coming. Like the Cubs’ 2003 playoff run, no one did. But, thefuture Eric Weirup has given us a second chance- the human race will know what is coming this time, if they will only heed these words.

It all began on February 16th, a day that would forever be known as the beginning of The Great Napkin Famine. Or N-day, for short…. (to be continued)

World Domination Journal, phase 1: Feb 16, N-Day: Jennifer Lawrence’s Birthday

Dear Diary,

Seeing that the necessary conditions have finally arrived to unleash phase 1 of my plan to rule the world- it was a Tuesday and there was plenty of orange juice in the fridge- I must now take action. My plan, for now, is to destroy the world’s napkin supply, which I will exploit to propel me to power. As you know, Diary, last week I finished mailing all of the fake invitation letters for Jennifer Lawrence’s birthday party to all 7.15 billion people on Earth. Since no one dislikes J-Law, they obviously all showed today on buses, planes, piggyback, camels- on everything. Meanwhile, as the entire world was enjoying the bash (although her birthday is really August 15th), I was able to easily destroy the world’s only three napkin companies through 1. Arson, 2. Lobbing bottles of BBQ sauce through windows, or 3. Allowing the company to merge and convert into a diced bread manufacturer (croutons, to the layperson) on its own. There was no security to stop me; they were all at the birthday using napkins. That reminds me, Diary- the false J-Law invites also included a BYON notice, so everyone brought and used all the napkins they had from home. If one thing’s for sure, when someone’s got 10 napkins, they use all 10 napkins. All of this, I hope, will cause an unexpected worldwide napkin shortage. This may seem only minorly evil, but that is the genius of my plan- now all I have to do is simply wait for all the countries in the world except Finland to make this crisis far worse by accident.

World Domination Journal, phase 2, N-Day plus 1: Hype and Panic, Repeat.

Dear Diary,

Today I saw on the news everything I hoped to see: The United Nations immediately recognized the dire threat this napkin shortage posed to the free world and sanctioned all countries who produce messy foods. The only nation that has not been sanctioned is Finland, because they only have fish. 45 minutes after the sanctions were imposed, the world leaders recognized that their sanctions didn’t do squat, and their upper body needed work too. Reports soon arrived that throughout the world people were laying waste to the few remaining napkin supplies.

With all of the world’s napkins depleted, my evil plan may begin to unravel: now Kim Jong-un will finally have a moment to shine.

World Domination Journal, phase 3, N-Day plus 2: N. Korea Makes a Decision.

Dear Diary,

More good news on the TV. The Korean Dictator-For-Life- or ‘president’ Kim Jong-un- was the only person calm at the emergency United Nations meeting today, which grabbed everyone’s attention as he seized the podium after quickly drinking everyone’s waters. He boldly declared that if there aren’t enough napkins for everyone, nobody should get any. President Obama interrupted and suggested that the U.N. be smart and rational about the crisis. Get this, Diary- he was immediately punched by the representative for the Somalian Pirates, who was then punched by every country with borders along the Indian Ocean. But in the scuffle, Obama’s original ideals were forgotten and the attention was given to the person with the latest idea, Kim Jong-un. The World Congress followed his lead and voted that all remaining napkins shall be destroyed by detonation of poorly-manufactured nuclear devices that are highly inaccurate and often fired upside-down. After the after-meeting coffee and donuts afterparty, it was revealed to the Congress that Kim Jong-un had fired his entire nuclear arsenal 25 minutes before he had even taken the podium. But the world leaders breathed a sigh of relief at the news; the napkins everyone desperately needs are finally all gone.

My plan is going perfectly. Now I must turn to the people who look like they might still have napkins and… well, you’ll see tomorrow, Diary. Evil laugh. Evil chuckle. Pause. Evil laugh. Evil laugh.

World Domination Journal, phase 4, N-Day plus 10: Viral Video

Dear Diary,

The last week has been a great success. All people who were known owners of napkins have been condemned in my series of speeches on YoutwitterbookDeere-IHFaceNorthAmazonGoogle.comnet (can’t believe only 2 years ago there was only askjeeves.) The video series skyrockets to 1.1 trillion views apiece through strategic use of cynical cats, puppies sleeping in relatively small objects, and repeated use of the words ‘we should’. Although I am pretty sure there are no napkins left in the world, I’ve claimed that there are people still hoarding them somewhere, and they should be stopped. They are supposedly people who have A) worn a necktie before, B) read books on purpose, or C) had something to do with The Teletubbies (while we’re on a roll, I might as well do away with a show that has nothing to teach kids). After learning this, the crowds immediately dispersed to go destroy and loot their way through what I’d suspect is every building in civilization. Realizing there would soon be little left to loot for myself, I decided to rush to all the places I wanted to go before they were devastated by others. Through an intense series of traffic violations, I made it to city park before the others arrived.

Fed the ducks and reflected on my place in the universe while humming the chorus to Steam’s Sha Na Na.

World Domination Journal, phase 5, N-Day plus 18: Riots.

Dear Diary,

The mass rioting in the streets has led to very precise looting in the past few days. Starbucks all lie devastated by 9 a.m. Olive Gardens are rubble by the time the unlimited soup and breadsticks special is over. And Borders is completely ransacked by 10 p.m. Even with great fear for their lives, all peoples still work together to one day see Borders die.

This has all worked better than I expected, Diary. When I was writing this evil plot after being turned down by that art school, I thought it’d take twice this long. It’s clear I must begin the next phase of my plan. It is time to set up… Evil laugh… the lemonade stand.

Because if there’s one thing mobs need, it’s bathrooms.

Sorry, Diary, I guess I didn’t do a good job explaining the connection between bathrooms and lemonade. So it’s because… Nah, it’ll just be implied tomorrow. Besides, my pen is running ou.

World Domination Journal, phase 6, N-Day plus 24: Lemonade Stand

Dear Diary,

The free lemonade stand that operates only from 9 p.m. to 10 p.m. has worked better than I expected. By setting up directly across from Borders right at their closing time, the thirsty rioters (who are still wildly out of control everywhere) have taken to using the nearest bathrooms in swarms, keeping employees well past their shift, usually until about 2 a.m. The amount of lemonade involved here is truly immeasurable.

The cost of keeping Borders open all night coupled with all the employees quitting each day is sure to lead that despised company to ruin in less than 2 weeks. We can only hope. Which is exactly why I must buy the company the rioters hate so much. Evil La… Nah, I’m not feeling it today. But I hope this doesn’t lessen your impression of how evil all of this still is, Diary.

World Domination Journal, phase 7, N-Day plus 34: Steak and Sidewalks

Dear Diary,

I purchased Borders for free. It totally went bankrupt. It’ll be the perfect fixer-upper. I have kept the lemonade stand going, except I now charge $1.50 for bathroom usage. The ‘customers’ notice this only once it’s too late. Those fools just rush in to Borders. Once I have them in the Borders, I offer free steak and grill rights to all men, but give them no utensils. Once they begin grilling, they fear they’ll waste a perfectly good steak without tools to flip or remove the steak. Then the men usually try to quickly go loot a spatula from someplace else before the steak burns. But I’ve installed a 20 MPH moving sidewalk leading away from the exit. Only then the men give up and purchase one of my many available spatulas for $275. For women, my business model is a much simpler formula: cheap stuff + One Direction sticker + $50 markup= $50 profit.

Even better, Borders never gets looted because the mobs always see the free lemonade stand first and are then forced to wait in a very orderly line for the Borders bathrooms. I believe this business is working well- I have made $471 billion this week, even if most of it is in quarters. Also, I am the last business standing on Earth, so naturally I have all the money. Now… what to do with it? Here’s a hint: non-barter transactions such as buying or selling goods and services.

World Domination Journal, phase 8, N-Day plus 39: The evil ACA

Dear Diary,

Now that I’ve got all the money in the world, I have declared that it be replaced by Monopoly money as cash and jelly beans as coins. This is neither evil nor logical- I’m just doing it. Also, today I gathered together every person who once held a position of power and paid them each four orange Monopoly bills and 7 jellybeans- which is worth $2,000.70- to buy off their loyalties. To complete my evil design, I’ve created a staff of personal advisors to help me with future evil plans (In order of highest to lowest rank): Megatron, Henry F. Potter, Steve Bartman, Newman, Gaston, June Cleaver, and the Easter Bunny. Evil so pure it floats.

Also since no history has been recorded in the last 6 weeks, I thought I’d describe the rioting statistics for future generations. Larceny and theft have amounted to about $52,000,000,000 in damages, and several million have been left homeless. However, in a gesture of mourning for the Veishea riots of 2014, no cars were tipped over, no lights were left damaged, and several boxes of breakfast pastries were offered to responding police officers as a courteous peace offering. Although the police disapproved of the public damages, they accepted the breakfast pastries. It was all… highly unusual.

But what do I care, Diary? I’m supposed to be evil and I pretty much started this, Diary. Either way, with my Anarchist Council Alliance with me, we shall soon have the people on our side, too. Which kind of sounds like democracy if the people get to freely choose their side, but you’re wrong, Diary. It’s still plenty evil. And you have no idea what kind of evil happens when the ACA get to stepping.