Dear Diary,
Seeing that the necessary conditions have finally arrived to unleash phase 1 of my plan to rule the world- it was a Tuesday and there was plenty of orange juice in the fridge- I must now take action. My plan, for now, is to destroy the world’s napkin supply, which I will exploit to propel me to power. As you know, Diary, last week I finished mailing all of the fake invitation letters for Jennifer Lawrence’s birthday party to all 7.15 billion people on Earth. Since no one dislikes J-Law, they obviously all showed today on buses, planes, piggyback, camels- on everything. Meanwhile, as the entire world was enjoying the bash (although her birthday is really August 15th), I was able to easily destroy the world’s only three napkin companies through 1. Arson, 2. Lobbing bottles of BBQ sauce through windows, or 3. Allowing the company to merge and convert into a diced bread manufacturer (croutons, to the layperson) on its own. There was no security to stop me; they were all at the birthday using napkins. That reminds me, Diary- the false J-Law invites also included a BYON notice, so everyone brought and used all the napkins they had from home. If one thing’s for sure, when someone’s got 10 napkins, they use all 10 napkins. All of this, I hope, will cause an unexpected worldwide napkin shortage. This may seem only minorly evil, but that is the genius of my plan- now all I have to do is simply wait for all the countries in the world except Finland to make this crisis far worse by accident.
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