Dear Diary,
More good news on the TV. The Korean Dictator-For-Life- or ‘president’ Kim Jong-un- was the only person calm at the emergency United Nations meeting today, which grabbed everyone’s attention as he seized the podium after quickly drinking everyone’s waters. He boldly declared that if there aren’t enough napkins for everyone, nobody should get any. President Obama interrupted and suggested that the U.N. be smart and rational about the crisis. Get this, Diary- he was immediately punched by the representative for the Somalian Pirates, who was then punched by every country with borders along the Indian Ocean. But in the scuffle, Obama’s original ideals were forgotten and the attention was given to the person with the latest idea, Kim Jong-un. The World Congress followed his lead and voted that all remaining napkins shall be destroyed by detonation of poorly-manufactured nuclear devices that are highly inaccurate and often fired upside-down. After the after-meeting coffee and donuts afterparty, it was revealed to the Congress that Kim Jong-un had fired his entire nuclear arsenal 25 minutes before he had even taken the podium. But the world leaders breathed a sigh of relief at the news; the napkins everyone desperately needs are finally all gone.
My plan is going perfectly. Now I must turn to the people who look like they might still have napkins and… well, you’ll see tomorrow, Diary. Evil laugh. Evil chuckle. Pause. Evil laugh. Evil laugh.
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