This will be the final note on my World Domination scheme. I’d like to point out that I made sure to use the keywords ‘riot’ and ‘world domination’ and ‘Starbucks’ as many times as possible to make the NSA’s Potential Terrorist Threat list. Hopefully they got a kick out of this, because it really wouldn’t work. Except for the lemonade scam and Jennifer Lawrence birthday trick.Those would work., 9 times out of 8.
But in conclusion, how to take over the world:
1. Fake B-Day invites to everyone
2. Destroy means of napkin production while they’re away.
3. Sit Obama, Kim Jong-un, and the rep for the Somalian pirates next to each other during a world crisis meeting.
4. Give rioters a defined goal- destroy everything, if they’d like. Encourage them. Tell them to dream big. Be a leader like you’re the FFA president who broke his arm last year in a four----------------------------------------------WHEELER accident.
5. Hand out free stuff that puts nearby businesses out of business through bathroom use.
6. Buy the business, make a profit on same bathrooms and assorted scams.
7. Keep the riot going, but protect your business from rioters with complimentary lemonade.
8. Buy off all powerful people, create evil brain trust.
9. Limit unnecessary spending in your government. Although money used to be made from trees, make the world currency into jellybeans and board games so that the expression is out of date.
10. Become happy by purchasing many material goods, including helipads, boats, cars, planes, and candy necklaces.
11. Voila! Now wait for the inevitable fallout of being evil and trying to be happy by spending trillions of dollars on material goods and hanging out with Megatron. It won’t work. I think we’ve all been there before- that tired old cliche of having robots for friends and owning a continent. Thanks for putting up with this.
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